im not finding fault with anyone really. it isn't even about who's fault. the reason i got fed up was because i meant "whatever" in a jokingly manner. but i got back a really crude reply from you instead.
and i am just saying that all those stuff came up to me within a week, and i do know that there are people worst off than me, but you can't just expect me to pick up the pieces immediately and be fine about it.
and seriously, im not even angry at all, im jsut hurt of the way you say things and the way you responded when i finally calmed down and realised i was at the heat of things.
and just to let you know, i did my assignment that morning. i was jsut waiting for you to reach school to discuss with you.
i really want to end this petty fight which sparked just simply because i ponned school. i would have rather i went for the prac instead, i would rather i left house at 6 so that i wouldn't be caught in that jam instead, i would have rather i did my assignment long ago.
just like you say, friends make up pieces of yourself, and that you tend to lose yourself when they are not there. so i guess this means you are a large piece of myself.
I was late, and i swear that for some ridiculous reasons i really did wound up an hour late due to the traffic. The traffic was so ridiculous that to one point, a group of ladies got off at one stop simply to walk to their work place or whatsoever located at another bus stop.
But as much as you go on about me, what about you? You woke up at 7, just when i was about to get ready to leave house, you told me that you will reach by 9.30, and even if say, you dragged your time till you left house by say, 8, the latest you would reach would be, 9.45 or even 10. yet you reached at 10.30, then you screwed me off about how stupid i was, and avoided all the while about why you were even later than me.
But leave that aside, let's get on to the main issue.
it was not about her. it was never about her. but yes indeed, she has made it worst.
i wanted to tell you the whole story, but i never did brought myself to do so, because everything else came together with it, so much so that i chose to run away and hide. i hope you can understand that.
because,
Yes, i did not see you breakdown when Ryan gave you the ultimatum. But neither did you see me break down when i failed two modules and went home everyday to hear my father's sarcastic comments about every fucking thing he can come up with.
Yes, i did not see you breakdown when your mother told you you were ruining her life. Yet, neither did you see me when i was bedridden for two weeks to the extend where i even lost my voice and blacked out, and my dad still complained about the medical bill being too expensive, as if my life wasn't worth eighty bucks.
Yes, i did not see you struggling to sleep, but you weren't the only one, just because i don't talk about it does not mean that i did not spend the past one year being sleepless every night. and that only recently did things improved.
Yes, i did not see you rejecting Lexapro. Neither did you see me while i was struggling to make ends meet going on a meal a day for the past two months.
Yes, i did not see you trying to get yourself in the right state of mind. Yet neither did you see me while i was trying desperately to convince myself that i was never an accident in the family, when i see my parents paying for my siblings' expenses and school fees, and on the other hand i worked my ass off to pay for my own bills, laptop loans and school fees. and to this, my mother blames my poor relationship with the family because of my work.
all that came in a week. and i nearly didn't make it.
I admit, right now, i do not know what's wrong with me, maybe i do let my emotions get the better of myself, maybe i haven't pretty much gotten over all that has happened, so probably thats why i rather soak in all that self-pity to make myself feel better.
like you said, all the while i chose not to call you, not to msn you truly because you had little time left with him.
"I know I haven't been blogging. I'm sorry, I've been real busy with FYP and Hokes is going into army ON MONDAY SO I WILL SPEND EVERY WAKING MOMENT WITH HIM, and yes I will ditch all of you for more time with Honeystar."
you should know that i read your blog everyday, and that, i know how unbearable it will be as the days drew nearer to when you two have to part.
to me, you are really a bagel with a custard filling. tough khalisah, strong khalisah, yet khalisah with a soft and vulnerable inner mind.
hence all the more i felt that i should not trouble you with more issues of my own when you were already on the rocks.
it used to be abi and cass pangsehing us for their boyfriends, and everything they walked off you would go
"wahlao fuck abi lah, fuck cass. pangseh us siol."
now you are doing the same thing. nowadays i hear hokes at least three times a day. i am ok with that really, but what i can't stand is how you seem to make it feel that you a chucking us all aside. you may not see it, but it's what you are doing right now.
iit's nine am in the morning right now and i am one hour late for my practical. which is pointless for me to attend since Forday would be fuckingly annoying if i entered late. The last holiday, the stuffs he said, they were all intolerable. i can't even believe that he is a lecturer, moreover, i don't want to hear those words again.
this is irritating. everything.
i can't believe i woke up early to spend half an hour to wait for the fucking bus.
i can't believe i spent half an hour to wait for a fucking bus that makes a five to ten minute stop at every fucking bus stop.
i can't believe i spent an hour getting to school when i stay no less than ten fucking minutes away.
and the fucking group of Panjabi kids, no offense but they were a fucking load of noise and movement and screams on the bus, amazingly, when the bus was already tuna-can-packed full. i wished right then and there i could grab bombs and stuff them into their mouths and make them explode. why do the most annoying people tend to excel in their annoyance at the most irritable periods of the day?
i hate the fucking traffic in Singapore. arghs. in the first place, why is it even so horrid when we are nothing but a tiny speck on the world map?
why why why why why why why why why. fucking why.
i have had no mood to blog for so long, and my first post has to be so fucking vulgar. great. just ffffffffff great.
i see no poit in staying in school, i am so out of here.
*while on our way down to town today, khalisah and i engaged in some sort of a talk regarding religious people*
"you know chris is Christian right?"
"chris? which chris?"
"you know, christopher? our class chris? the same school chris?"
"oh! you mean timo's chris ah?"
"yes, err, no, wait. that just sounds wrong."
seriously man khalisah tan, the weirdest things always come out of your mouth.
and i realised never really got to know how to explain or describe the kind of personality khalisah has.
but i just found the perfect description today. a bomb.
really, she's just a bomb. you can never tell when is she going to explode, to come out with the biggest shock she can ever give you, and then just when you think she already exploded, she bursts into flames with another round of explosion and shock you into greater shock.
seriously. she likes to do these things. forever keeping quiet and appearing harmless. and then suddenly you find yourself in the state of minced meat and before you know it, she blasts you into man juice.
there's a new flavour of chips in town, or so i have only recently been able to notice.
its CALBEE CHIPS in Mayonnaise flavour.
Yes, M A Y O N N A I S E.
and somehow this just reminds me of cass lee mei xian.
for some known reasons, every time i see the words "mayonnaise" or "tartar sauce", she just comes to my mind. and when i do see the sauce itself, my brain is smacked with the image of her big happy face stuffing all that tartar sauce into her mouth.
and no, she doesn't eat tartar sauce alone, but the way she eats her food with tartar sauce, god, you may consider the fact that she is perfectly capable of eating the sauce alone and jsut the sauce.
her fish and chips are always always white with specks of green in it. they can never be golden brown crispy because the fish are jsut too busy swimming in thousands and thousands and layers and layers of tartar sauce.
two more days till school reopens and damn do i miss my classmates terribly. then again, i do not really look forward to school starting at all. normally by this time i would have my room tidied up and my timetables drawn up in my little notebook, but even now as i am talking about not having done it, i have not done it.
i think i am just not ready to face two repeated modules.
oh wells, on the other hand, i had great fun today laughing at this particular couple.
PDA, public display of affections, or PDL, public display of lust. you tell me.
this dude was groping his girlfriend's butt cheeks while we were walking behind them. talk about Osim Massage Chairs, his girlfriend must be so proud.
i am fine with PDA, really, you can snog and go all touchy feely for all you want in front of me, a total stranger, but to grope your girlfriend's ass while the two of you are still busy walking, i don't get the rationale behind that.
who knows, maybe she had a mosquito bite. and he was really after all, in the mood to scratch it for her?
working at Waraku really gives one a wider exposure, well, in terms of stupid people anyway.
Scenario One :
Tonpei Yaki : Simple egg omelette placed over shredded cabbages with loads of mayonnaise and yaki sauce sprayed over. Garnished with a dash of parsley powder. Cost : $6.80
One smart customer comes in to dine at our respective restaurant and decides to order a portion of Tonpei Yaki, this customer then makes a special request of no cabbage.
Too much money to spend and don't know where to waste it? Come down to Waraku and order your special portion of Tonpei Yaki! It may look just like a regular egg omelette with mayonnaise and yaki sauce, but really it's not! It's Tonpei Yaki without the cabbage!
Scenario Two :
Saucers : In typical Japanese Restaurants, saucers are provided so that you may put your wasabi or respective shoyu dips for your sushi or sashimi and what-nots.
One convenient customer came in to dine with her boyfriend and requests for saucers even though she made orders for ramen.
Station Server hence provides this particular customer with two saucers, one for her, and the other presumably for her boyfriend. However, the respective boyfriend does not require the use of the saucer and leaves it as it is on the table. The lady, on the other hand, asks for one more saucer.
Thinking that the customer did not notice the spare saucer on the table, the server picks it up and shows the customer who instead ignores the server. When the server returns with another saucer, the customer takes it as if kept on a long wait.
Too much stress at work and intend to look for a few victims for easy peasy abuse? Come down to Waraku! We provide you with a wide variety of service staffs of various genders and ages for you to torment and order about. Come on down while our service charging rates are still at 10% off the total bill, or should i say, while staffs last?
Scenario Three :
Menus : As a form of advertising, the prose found on printed menus is famous for the degree of its puffery. They frequently emphasize the processes used to prepare foods, call attention to exotic ingredients, and add French or other foreign language expressions to make the dishes appear sophisticated and exotic.
Several different groups of cutsomers prefer their food to be served this way.
Server : "Hi thank you for waiting, this would be your Tan Tan Udon, the spicy noodles."
(Note: server makes an announcement of food arrival, along with two descriptions of the particular product.)
A few of the Customers : *Stares helplessly with mouths opened widely and at a loss as to what to do*
Five minutes later~
One of the few Customers : "Hey, so anyone ordered the Tan Tan Udon?"
The whole lot of Customers : *Stares helplessly with mouths opened widely in unison, again at a loss as to what to do*
Another few minutes later~
The Customer who spoke up first : "Oh! Is it the Spicy Noodles?! I think it's mine."
Always wanted to be in that situation where you don't have to speak up for yourself and act like a know-it-all?! Come down to Waraku! Simply order any item from the menu and forget the item name, enjoy minutes of time wasted sitting amongst your friends playing dumb and helpless.
Oh, customers, they never fail to provide such fun at work.
ALFRED! says: *fuck QIAOYU says: *eh since when does all these profanities start flowing so naturally from u ALFRED! says: *haha *since i got to know a girl named ng qiao yu QIAOYU says: *fuck *wad did i do *AHHAHAHAHAHA ALFRED! says: *woah *i have no idea QIAOYU says: *ya luh. ALFRED! says: *i have absolutely no idea QIAOYU says: *fuck luh. wad the fuck did i do man fucker *hahahahaha *ok im kiddin ALFRED! says: *HAHAHA *omg *this is going on my blog QIAOYU says: *at least fuck is a nicer word than cb or lj *OH MY GOD *NO *ehh *dun like tt luh i tell u *wa lao *defame me ALFRED! says: *hahaha QIAOYU says: *fuck lor. i where got say fuck *HAHAHAHAH ALFRED! says: *HAHAHAHA QIAOYU says: *u are driving me insane *u drive me crazy
i don't drive you crazy, you drive yourself crazy. HAPPY TWENTIETH NG QIAOYU!
you are now officially in your twenties, old woman.
here's your theme song and video (and it's also pink just for you you crazy woman!) :
i got into the lift earlier this evening, with the now two months old merisse, the middle-aged dude in the lift with us smiled at her and asked, "Is she yours?".
i look father material. should i take that as a compliment or a sarcastic remark? that was not a question, people.
but this incident, got me recalling about that one time, three years ago, when an insurance agent whom i thought was naive, asked me, "Would you like to get insurance for your kids?".
let's jsut pretend that the middle-aged dude is also naive.
What do you see when you see a group of four guys squat in the middle of orchard road facing each other?
i think they are trying to have a game of face-off, while shitting in public.
What do you see when you see a group of five butches conduct a hugging frenzy, hugging each other and aagain and again for the ten long minutes whilst you wait for the bus?
i think they are oh so deprived. it's like any minute, they could come right up to me and give me a big hug, that's if, i were a beautiful and cute babe with big eyes and long hair, i guess.
What do you see when you see old people cramping up the entire bus in the morning at 6 am?
i think they are on their way home from a long mahjong session, or the legendary old people's clubbing frenzy. nahh, i guess they are just on their way to another dutiful lesson of taiji.
What do you see when you see some weird guy walking around inside Bugis Junction, with "No Unauthorised Trespassers" signs adorned all over the entrances, alone in the morning at 5.30am?
i think that might have been me. no wait, that was me.
and so, i am back,
after a long rest,
after an entire week of busying myself,
i am back.
i have tons of stuff to talk about, tons of things to say, tons of people, or should i say, strangers, to laugh at.
first of all, let me recall what happened the previous week.
let's see, on thursday i met up with my favourite bunch of people and had a lot of fun with them. went ahead to L4D with shida pinky and thm! oh i am so loving this game.
much to shida's usual denial as to my "fun stuffs" i actually proved that lan can be fun! and then in the evening we met up with yt and jiesi and jiesi's sister, and had dinner at Sakae. i felt so at ease and assured with them, much less emo and much less alone.
and THEN, on friday night i met up with timoemo and abi and cass and wilmen! had a dangerous night, abi has the scariest driving skills, not that it's bad, but it's jsut HORRIBLE! hahah, nahh. it's fine actually, i guess it's jsut the driver. hehs.
we had fun with L4D too! and then cass and abi and wilmen decided to pangseh, so the very very NICE me, decided to accompany timoemo whilst he waited for his gf to off work.
and then we played pool till six in the morning.
now now, first of all, it's been three years since i played pool, and the last time i played, i was still a pesky little kid with his favourite bunch of secondary school friends.
three years passed and i'm still the same pesky little kid, but having a hard time trying to play pool. i'm old, okay? but surprise suprise, i got the hang of it really, and started getting better. sometimes it's just in the genes you know, can't help it. haha!
okay, long boring post over, stay tuned tomorrow for other stuffs! :)
the past week has been rather unbearable, and finally i decided to just shed some light on what has happened all together last week.
first of all, because i failed my module, my dad has been talking to me sarcastically. the things he said, the stuff he did, sometimes i just wonder if one is only recognised by his or her grades in a family.
second of all, my mum's been forcing me to quit my job cause she thinks its affecting my jobs really badly, but seriously, the thought of having no jobs and no money really kills me. i have so many stuff to pay for, with my bills busting to $200 and with debts owed to others cause i took up some additional lessons earlier on, plus my stupid laptop loan, its really jsut plain tiring.
third of all, holding two part-time jobs really kills you, you work every other night, you go home late every single night, you don't get to see your family cause they are out in the day, you head home to quietness every single night and sometimes when you really wish for them to be there, you don't. all i wanted was a good rest at home and yet, they could offer a quarrel with you.
forth of all, to my ex-fyp-partner, fuck off. you are a bloody loser, go ahead and bitch about me behind my back, nobody will believe you. and thank you abi. :)
and then two other more private issues. pfffft.
a fight with my eldest sister back at home was really the last draw. all this in one week, and my closest friends were all busy. i was all alone. sometimes i really just, don't know what to do with my life.
on the birghter side, we had a work chill-out on saturday nnight. we all went for steamboat!
i know i'm a big eater, but when things aren't looking so good, i tend to end up binging, aka eating even more. and that's what i did, really, till all of them stopped and ended up looking at me, i guess, disgusted that i can stomach that much stuff.
so i stopped the binging, and we jsut sat around and had a chat,, or rather a long speech from David soh the manager. lmao.
much thanks to Jesline and Yvonne! for staying overnight with me, cause i really didn't want to go home and face my troubles. we walked from bugis till raffles and till clarke quay, then river valley and finally plaza singapura. was really good to jsut sit around and chit chat and do nothing.
oh oh, and best of all, i met up with 4o4 on saturday! i was really feeling very upset in the morning, and decided not to leave house anyway, but in the end, i made up my mind to go find them and i was glad i did. being around them, really bring my troubles away.
what has become of us? how did things wind up this way. why was i, or rather, how could i have had allowed myself to be so horrible.
i have hurt you. and nothing hurts more than having you be speechless with me, when i loved it so so much whenever you go on a verbal "anything-under-the-stars" with me.
i need to calm my nerves, with whats going on now and with whatever mental illness my father maybe having. and just to clarify things, my dad is not literally psychotic, but the way he is acting now, he is psychotic.
all the things happening now. i am so sick of it.
let's hope acting ignorant can do something about it too. in the meantime, LEFT 4 DEAD is infecting me!!! zzzz.
