samedi 12 septembre 2009 00:20
i went down for tuition today in a good mood, buying snacks for them, but only to almost cry in front of the kid.
sometimes he behaves and sometimes he would misbehave. today was the day he misbehaved tremendously and god knows why. he was misbehaving the whole time i was trying to get him to do his homework, and finally i got him to do his chinese homework, which was to write lines for some chinese sentences. after dragging for thirty minutes, he only did one page. then he complained that his hand hurt. i told him to just finish another three more lines and we could move on to another subject, but he talked back and kept complaining about his hand hurting. i got angry and hit him with the ruler on his arm. and then he hit me for hitting him.
then he continued to complain that his hand hurts. so i asked him, if he wanted to finish the work, which was still short of another twenty lines and get a fifteen minutes break or finish another two lines before we moved on to science. and he didn't talk to me.
so i moved on to science, and he complained that he had already completed his work. how so when he was supposed to do the entire exercise five and he only did two pages. so i asked him if he wanted to go back to doing chinese and again he ignored me. then i took out his maths homework and asked him to try doing it instead. and again he ignored me. so i took out his chinese homework again and told him that since he doesn't want to do anything else, let's just go back to writing lines. he wrote one line and starting tearing.
then he stood up and tried to run off, so i held him down and wanted to talk to him nicely, asked him what he promised his mother before she went overseas (to study hard cause he failed every single subject in school). he pinched me, hit me, kicked me and tried to step on me. then he ran into his room and locked the door, crying.
the brother and the maid asked him what's wrong and all he said was,
"i want teacher to get out!
i won't go out till teacher get out!"
he told the maid that i stressed him too much, that i made him do too much work at one go. but it was his homework which he delayed for two days already. the maid was really understanding cause all these while she had been helping me talk to him, telling me about her own frustrations when she first started working, and how she understood how i felt. i simply told her that sometimes i look at them and i just feel like saying, maghal cita pero galiakusayo. which means i love you but i hate you in Tagalog.
when i first got this assignment, i was shocked cause the children's grades were very terrible and they misbehaved badly possibly due to the parent's separation and the mother's constant absence. i would go down every lesson and leave feeling so angry because he just wouldn't behave himself and always talked back to me, yet pitying the boys cause they just wanted the attention. and somehow, i got attached to them as much as i was annoyed by them.
they had more than eight tutors before me and none had ever talked to the mother about her children's poor discipline. as a tutor, i can just go, teach and collect the money.
i would have just quit as their tutor. but i really wanted to help them. the older child improved so much cause he knew that if he doesn't help himself, how can i help him. yet the younger boy just never understands that i'm trying to help him.
and hearing him shouting that he wants me to leave, just made me very sad.
i had a long talk with him and gave him fifteen minutes to cool off, and he finally understood that i was just there to guide him and help him with his work, so he gingerly sat down and completed all his work. but at the end of the day, he still refused to say sorry to me. i'm glad actually that he has improved so much, when i first went he never once sat down properly to do my work or listened to me. and he always told me that i can't do this or that to him cause i'm not his god.
of course he doesn't do that anymore, but today it dawned upon me that i suck as a tuition teacher. since he is still poorly behaved.
and not just that, but i suck in my grades as well. i suck with my part-time job and even my aspirations get crushed every saturday. i sucked with relationships. and i sucked even more with my friendships.
my life sucks because i have come into sticky situations time and time again. and today i was told that my name affected my life in a negative way. so, my name sucks and being born with it just means that i was born to suck in life.
i wanted to get my first meal of the day just now, but decided not to. cause i really don't have the appetite.
it sucks to not be appreciated, but it sucks even more knowing that you are not worth appreciation. am i really nice? if i was nice then my life would have been nice.
sorry for such a weird post and for the past few emotional posts as well, but i really just wanted to rant it all out. after all, everything's been dragging for so long and it's getting tiring and nonsensical. and it's just me for having low self-esteem.
if you were to ask me, am i depressed or am i sad. i'm not too sure either. cause being depressed is when nothing matters and being sad is when every matters.
right now, everything matters cause nothing matters anymore. i may give good advises, but i'm not a good adviser of my own life you see.
Libellés : :(, ALFRED, emo-shitzssgfsrgwg
