if you don't like something, change it.
if you can't change it, change your attitude.
mardi 28 avril 2009 12:17
I was late, and i swear that for some ridiculous reasons i really did wound up an hour late due to the traffic. The traffic was so ridiculous that to one point, a group of ladies got off at one stop simply to walk to their work place or whatsoever located at another bus stop.
But as much as you go on about me, what about you? You woke up at 7, just when i was about to get ready to leave house, you told me that you will reach by 9.30, and even if say, you dragged your time till you left house by say, 8, the latest you would reach would be, 9.45 or even 10. yet you reached at 10.30, then you screwed me off about how stupid i was, and avoided all the while about why you were even later than me.
But leave that aside, let's get on to the main issue.
it was not about her. it was never about her. but yes indeed, she has made it worst.
i wanted to tell you the whole story, but i never did brought myself to do so, because everything else came together with it, so much so that i chose to run away and hide. i hope you can understand that.
because,
Yes, i did not see you breakdown when Ryan gave you the ultimatum. But neither did you see me break down when i failed two modules and went home everyday to hear my father's sarcastic comments about every fucking thing he can come up with.
Yes, i did not see you breakdown when your mother told you you were ruining her life. Yet, neither did you see me when i was bedridden for two weeks to the extend where i even lost my voice and blacked out, and my dad still complained about the medical bill being too expensive, as if my life wasn't worth eighty bucks.
Yes, i did not see you struggling to sleep, but you weren't the only one, just because i don't talk about it does not mean that i did not spend the past one year being sleepless every night. and that only recently did things improved.
Yes, i did not see you rejecting Lexapro. Neither did you see me while i was struggling to make ends meet going on a meal a day for the past two months.
Yes, i did not see you trying to get yourself in the right state of mind. Yet neither did you see me while i was trying desperately to convince myself that i was never an accident in the family, when i see my parents paying for my siblings' expenses and school fees, and on the other hand i worked my ass off to pay for my own bills, laptop loans and school fees. and to this, my mother blames my poor relationship with the family because of my work.
all that came in a week. and i nearly didn't make it.
I admit, right now, i do not know what's wrong with me, maybe i do let my emotions get the better of myself, maybe i haven't pretty much gotten over all that has happened, so probably thats why i rather soak in all that self-pity to make myself feel better.
like you said, all the while i chose not to call you, not to msn you truly because you had little time left with him.
"I know I haven't been blogging. I'm sorry, I've been real busy with FYP and Hokes is going into army ON MONDAY SO I WILL SPEND EVERY WAKING MOMENT WITH HIM, and yes I will ditch all of you for more time with Honeystar."
you should know that i read your blog everyday, and that, i know how unbearable it will be as the days drew nearer to when you two have to part.
to me, you are really a bagel with a custard filling. tough khalisah, strong khalisah, yet khalisah with a soft and vulnerable inner mind.
hence all the more i felt that i should not trouble you with more issues of my own when you were already on the rocks.
it used to be abi and cass pangsehing us for their boyfriends, and everything they walked off you would go
"wahlao fuck abi lah, fuck cass. pangseh us siol."
now you are doing the same thing. nowadays i hear hokes at least three times a day. i am ok with that really, but what i can't stand is how you seem to make it feel that you a chucking us all aside. you may not see it, but it's what you are doing right now.
